Hunting stupidity

Hunting is the most socially retarded thing in the world. There's so much paradox in the idea of enjoying the primality of hunting for your food, but using state of the art weapons to do so. It's like churning butter "for that old fashioned feel" with a jackhammer.

What gets me is the culture and mentality that goes into. Hunters will go to great leangths to cover all parts of their body in camoflauge, you know, hats, pants, boots, beltz, wallets, sunglasses, contacts, tongue rings, eye makeup, everything.

Then you know what they accessorize all that camoflauge with? A flambouyant bright-orange vest. Yeah. You really blend in with the surroundings now.

I think we should outlaw hunting as it is now. If you want to go back to your roots and hunt for your food, you are only allowed to do so in three ways, either as one of the three, or a combination. You can either use: a bow and arrow, a spear, your fists, or some sort of brutal trap. That's it.

And for anyone that thinks it's brutal and cruel for the animals, what's more cruel? Getting your meat from the wild, where the animal slaughtered was able to live it's life in nature, or getting your meat from a supermarket, where the animal killed spent it's life in a cage, amongst thousands of its captured comrades?

Second Amendment

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
We have to look at when it was written… 1700s, when they best they had was muskets.
So really, you have to the right to bear arms… assuming that arm is a musket.
We should amend the second amendment so that every citizen gets a musket.
Walk right into the country, someone hands you the musket, the blasting powder, a cleaning rod, and pellets.
What’s the worst that can happen? Crime won’t increase- crime will decrease.
You can’t rob a store with a musket.
BOOM
Shit, missed! Gotta reload… give me five minutes!
Heck, even if you do hit somebody it’s more like a flesh wound.
(dig it out yourself)
Hey, that really stung you ass!
(throws it back)
(hits)
Ow!

"Victims"?

When a 28 year old teacher sleeps with a 17 year old student, why is that the newspaper covering the story labels the victim as a “victim of the sex crime”? I mean, honestly, victim? I think a good measurement of whether or not you’re a victim is by how many high fives you get. If you receive three or more high fives following the criminal incident, you’re not a victim.

I see 3 or more because I’d imagine even burn victims get a high five or two. Friends visiting them in the burn ward.

“Hey man, congrats on living through that housefire, high five! Ooh, sorry, my bad.”

Monsters, science

Whenever scientists are developing a new technology, like genetic engineering, people are quick to say, “Well, who are we to play god?”

Well, what about us atheists? Hell, give me those test tubes, I’ll make your monster.

Whatcha thinking about?

I hate whenever my girlfriend asks me, “What are you thinking about?” You know what she wants to hear is something romantic like, “Oh, the first time we met,” or something like that. But really, that’s not what I’m thinking about. So she’ll ask me, and I’ll say something like, “If Magneto creates magnetic fields how can he levitate other people if they’re not wearing metal? The iron in their blood? Wouldn’t that be really, really painful?”

Steroids

I enjoy comics and superheroes a little too much because I was watching a documentary about steroids and it said, "Steroids allow your body to gain muscle mass at a greater rate than normal. In essence, steroids give you super-human strength."

And I'm sitting there thinking, yeah! That sounds great!

Measuring geneaology

I like how people say “Fuck the metric system, this is America!”
They do realize that the English system of measurement came from… England, right? The inch is a thumb, the foot is a foot.

Rifftrax synching

If you're watching a film with a Rifftrax, and the two fall out of sync, pause whichever one plays too soon.

Alternatively, if the Rifftrax plays to soon, pause the Rifftrax. If the Rifftrax plays too late, pause the movie.

Back of lapel pin

The clasp-thingy that holds a pin in place is called a "military clutch."

Famous things to say

If you're about to meet someone famous, or at least important to you, you may think of interesting things to say before you meet, things that might elicit more interaction than simply "Nice to meet you."However, when you actually come face to face your mind may go blank and you may end up searching for something to say.

Make sure you write those interesting things down while you're not feeling any pressure.

Copyright trick

You can use licensed characters if you're making jokes or comments about them.